I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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