But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
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And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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