At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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