A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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