sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I did not marry a roomba.
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