I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
