since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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