So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
