I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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