my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
