nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
