i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
