allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
