party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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