Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
