He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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