the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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