She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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