Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
