she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
