So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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