It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
