dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
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i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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