jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
