apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize