she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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