She is in my trunk
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
