Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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