i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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