i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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