she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
