So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
