and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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