I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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