You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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