i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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