Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
