i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This house was built for laser tag.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
