i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
