her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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