Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
