She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
