Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
