I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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