I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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