dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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