if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
