There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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