i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
