Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
