Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
