Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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