please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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