I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
