Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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