Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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