she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i think i scared a bird with my dick
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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