did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i need some magic done to my vagina
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
