Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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