Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
