the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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