We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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