they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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