i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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