My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
