You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i dont even know how to be here
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
