I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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