dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
